I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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