Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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