I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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