Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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