A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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