That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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