just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
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I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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