I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize