I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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