Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You ruined the universe
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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