wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize