so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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