I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
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I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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