Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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