i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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