She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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