when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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