His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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