im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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