True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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