In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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