I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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