Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
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I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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