Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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