sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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