Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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