Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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