You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
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If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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