we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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