theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
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I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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