is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
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so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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