My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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