All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
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OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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