Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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