dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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