Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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