she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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