You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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