Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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