There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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