I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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