everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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