after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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