Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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