i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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