More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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