recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She's like a pop up book from hell.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
All the doctor said was why
Randomize