I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
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Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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