Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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