I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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